How would the Freeman save us from the LHC

14 Sep

For all of us, the idea that science could be responsible for the end of the world as we know it is a bit foreign – how should we know what to expect if the Large Hadron Collider creates a rift in the space time continuum and we’re all sucked into a pea-sized black hole?  Reason dictates that we turn to the one man who has experience with critical scientific malfunctions. 

If the Freeman were here, crowbar in hand, mouth taped shut, how would he save us from the end of the world?  Could he?  Let’s examine the situation and see if he would stand a chance.


1.        He’s always at ground zero.  If any large crystals need to be wheeled anywhere near the LHC, Gordon is going to be the one doing it.  And if one of those crystals should happen to get in the way of a concentrated beam of hadrons and open a door to another dimension, Gordon should feel guilty enough to fight the good fight for us.


2.       A crowbar is a multipurpose tool.  The Swiss couldn’t make a better device.  Should the world go tits up, he’s prepared.  With its tried and true whacking motion, the crowbar is capable of splatting agile extradimensional parasites and opening conspicuous wooden supply crates full of medical supplies and ammunition.


3.        He’s a badass, after all.  Here’s a guy who has a degree in theoretical physics and has shot and killed at least a thousand soldiers, black ops operatives, and Xen aliens.  If he’s not up for the job, then no one is.


4.       Science.  Gordon knows a lot about it.  A black hole is just another physics problem, right?  Right?


5.       There’s that suit of his.  The HEV suit has stood up to a lot of punishment in the past.  Freeman’s been electrocuted, shot, dipped into acid, poisoned and drowned.  Cross your fingers that it’s singularity proof.


1.       He’s a mute.  Let’s face it, the guy just doesn’t speak.  This is bad news for the other 199 scientists at ground zero, because Gordon isn’t giving them any directions out of there.


2.       Where will he plug in?  Last time I checked, physics laboratories don’t usually have wall-mounted battery recharge stations for HEV suits.  We can only hope the Swiss thought of this in advance.


3.       Dude has issues.  What happens if he starts seeing the G-man again?  He’s on the verge of saving humanity, and he just starts tripping?


4.       This might be out of his league.  Huge be-tentacled alien life forms?  Check. Giant spindly-legged Striders that can atomize a man with a death ray?  Check.  Giant bugs?  Check.  Black holes?  Err.  Something tells me the crowbar isn’t going to work on this one.


5.       He kind of screwed the pooch last time out.  Let’s not forget City 17.  While Gordon is freaking out to psychedelic and strangely intoned visions, we could be living in a dystopian society, ruled by the black hole people.


While he’s certainly got his issues, Gordon Freeman looks to be the best chance we’ve got.  He might be a silent, mysterious headcase, but if he can hit it off with Alyx Vance without murmuring so much as a ‘hello’, then I’m not sure there’s anything this man can’t do.


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